Well, That Sucked: Thoughts After a Fight

Thoughts on arguing with your spouse

Nobody likes to be in a fight, right?

Not necessarily true. When we fight with a partner, whether it’s a short spat or an all-out verbal brawl, there are some factors at play that make the whole thing sort of… addictive.

Picture this: Your husband or wife didn’t take the dog out when they said they would, and they’ve already gone to bed. You have to take the dog out. It’s raining. The dog doesn’t want to poop in the rain, but you know you have to wait for them to, anyway, or they’ll poop in the house and you know you’ll catch sass for it.

How do you feel? What are your thoughts?

Many of us would have a rampaging internal dialogue. The next morning, in the shower, you might play out how the argument is going to go— what perfect line are you going to throw their way when you see them? Will you hint that you’re irritated with your partner, or say it outright? Are you going to use this as ammo for your next argument? Maybe hold onto it until they get onto you for neglecting something?

Whatever your plan, you get it in your head well before the interaction actually happens. It feels good to go through this argument on your own. While you’re fixated on it, you’re already allowing adrenaline and cortisol to release into your body, which feels good at first. You’re elevating your heart rate, and using the parts of your brain that love to feel and plan and predict.

Then the moment comes: your spouse is awake. Maybe you’re making coffee in the kitchen, then they walk in all sleepy, rubbing their eyes.

You say, “Hope you slept well.” And something in your tone lands right where you wanted it to: they ask, “What’s wrong?”

You’ve got ‘em hooked. What proceeds is an argument; your spouse defends themself for not having taken the dog out, and you get to use at least one of your pre-planned one-liners. Maybe the argument ends in a huff, maybe it ends with both of you walking away. Most likely, it doesn’t end with your spouse owning up to their mistake and asking forgiveness, which you freely give. You most likely aren’t hugging it out this time around.

During the argument, you were sure about your position, bent on being right, and angry that your spouse just wasn’t getting it. And there was something going on that made you dig your heels in at every turn. At the end of it all, though, you feel more distant from your partner. Not sure where to go from here. It was just about taking the dog out, but somehow became about your partner being lazy, setting you up for failure, not caring. And they had some things to say about you; not caring about how exhausted they are, putting all of the responsibility on them, expecting too much.

At the end of the argument, it became more about the negative things you see in each other, more about the things that hurt one another and drive you crazy, than what actually happened: your partner fell into bed out of exhaustion after forgetting to let Fido out. And as it was unfolding, your brain kept telling you, “Go! Fight! Win!”

Friend, there is a lot going on in this picture. Our nervous system lights up when we perceive wrongdoing and puts us into an aggressive stance; it’s for survival. We are hurt when we perceive we’re not cared about and, surprise, the nervous system puts us into a defensive stance. When we’re in a fight, there is a hormonal cocktail being served up in our brain that drives us deeper into conflict; the alarm is going off and we’re responding.

But after it’s all said and done, after the fight is over, the names have been called, the deeds are done… The prevailing thought is usually, "Well, that sucked." Even if you got in some good punches. This is where the questions come in.

What am I even doing here?

Where did we go wrong?

Why can’t we just talk?

Why won’t they just listen?

How do we stop doing this?

Marital conflict is not as simple as bringing up a problem and solving it right there. It’s deeper than that. Our mistakes are often loaded with shame, perceptions of our character, and highlight our insecurities; of course they’re hard to talk about! Of course it feels awful when someone is not only confronting us about them, but angry at us for them. And on the other hand, it is so frustrating to feel that our needs are being ignored and unmet, and burdens are being heaped onto us.

The solution lies in regulating the nervous system, learning to hear one another out, and connecting on a deeper level. The question isn’t “What did you do?” it’s “Are you here for me?”

Right? That’s what we really want to know. When your partner drops the ball on a task, it can feel like an abandonment. When they confront you about your own mistake, it feels like a precursor to being unwanted.

Therapy might be the answer if you, like many other couples, are stuck in this vicious cycle. For now, here are some practical tools to put into use today.

1. When you perceive wrongdoing, breathe rather than think.

   When we breathe, especially when we do a looooong exhale, we are letting our nervous system rest. This doesn’t mean you can’t hold your spouse accountable; it just helps you keep your cool. More nervous system regulation means less words spilled carelessly.

2. When you’re approaching your partner regarding what they did or did not do, prepare them for a soft landing.

   This can sound like, “Hey, I really care about you and what our home feels like. Can you hear me out on something? When you didn’t take the dog out last night, and you went to bed before me, I felt like you were telling me you don’t care about me or my rest. Like you expect me to do it all. That hurt me.”

   This little bit of prep work can change a would-be brawl into a productive conversation.

3. Acknowledge your own “stuff” when stuff happens.

   Ask yourself, “why did this irk me so much?” Sometimes we can find deeper meaning in the things that bother us. You know your spouse loves you, so why does it feel like such an attack when they forget to put away the cereal? Did you grow up having to pick up after others, or neglected in an environment that didn’t feel neat? If they accidentally left the car unlocked, does that make you feel angry because you fear being stolen from? When we can discuss these things from a place of understanding ourselves and the why behind the hurt, we’re able to navigate conversations more gracefully.

Maybe today’s your day to try these tools. Maybe it’s your day to start therapy with your partner!

I’m Kalyn, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I live in Georgia and serve both Georgians and Texans in my practice, KWW Therapy.